Hello, Again.
I don't have information on the memorial service just yet because Unitarian church personnel have Good Friday and the weekend off. Check back on Monday afternoon for those details.
In talking with Dianne Kelly a few minutes ago, however, I realized that it was a mistake to have stopped posting. Lots of people want to know how Jack and I are doing, as well as Steph, Harriet, Olivia and Joyce. The answer is "Okay".
We've all had some time to cry, and will no doubt cry again, but we no one is breaking down. If they are, it's happening away from my presence and I am none the wiser. Jack has gone from asking where Mommy is to "when can we get a new Mommy"? He is outwardly unfazed, but at one point last night he said he missed Mommy. I told him "we all do" and had a brief dialog on the subject, then we went on to Legos or something else. I'm sure everyone has had some private crying time, but life does not stop. Today we sorted through Andrea's closet and drawers. I'm happy, and I'm sure Andrea would be too, to see a bunch of things go to Steph and Olivia. Harriet got a few things, as well, and Joyce wants to save a few Patagonia things when we go through the garage closets tomorrow. I took 26 garbage bags of clothes and shoes to the YWCA women's shelter store today. When the clerk saw how much stuff I had, she said "we're closed". I'm embarrassed that there is more to come, and that we have been making regular donations every few months anyway. Our Dear Andrea did not have many flaws, and I don't wish to alienate scores of female readers, but...well, draw from this what lesson you will.
I am doing fine, for the most part, keeping myself together, feeling pretty good about my mental state, talking about Andrea calmly and keeping my composure. Then something trivial sets me off and the next minute I'm not so composed any more. But I do recover fast and soon I'm calm and collected again. There's lots to keep me busy at the moment, and lots of plans and planning, which is good. We are transitioning from an Andrea-centric existence to I don't know what.
This is just a partial post, but I will add to this as thoughts occur. I'd like to get it online ASAP, so I'll stop here for now.
Thanks again for all the many forms of love sent our way. No more food, though, please. We have enough for a couple weeks now, but more importantly, my health insurance rates will be partly based on my cholesterol levels in a few months, so I need to eat well starting in...oh, two weeks.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Andrea A. Brothers 1956-2009
I'm sorry to have to tell you that Andrea stopped breathing and passed away peacefully at 9:56. I have called the hospice, Steph and Harriet.
Thank you so much for all the love you sent our way in the last few months.
Love to All.
Stan
====================
MEMORIAL SERVICE
Thanks to all for email, calls, comments and expressions of love in various forms. We are working on a couple dates for a memorial service in a few weeks. I will post the information just as soon as I know it.
S
Thank you so much for all the love you sent our way in the last few months.
Love to All.
Stan
====================
MEMORIAL SERVICE
Thanks to all for email, calls, comments and expressions of love in various forms. We are working on a couple dates for a memorial service in a few weeks. I will post the information just as soon as I know it.
S
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Wednesday
Today was tough. Andrea is slipping away. She made it through one visit this morning, but afterward seemed to have a tougher and tougher time breathing and was not able to talk. Her eyes were not focusing and she often didn't seem in the moment. There are times she was, though, even if she could not express herself. I am giving her minimal drugs, just enough to ensure that she is not in pain.
More later, if anything changes.
More later, if anything changes.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Talk, Talk
Good Morning.
For some reason, Andrea has been talking a lot in the last 24 hours. Sometimes it made sense, as when she was talking to someone present, and sometimes it did not. But even when she was talking to someone, she could veer off course and start talking about non-sensical things. Last night she began talking, saying something every thirty seconds to a minute and it continued all night long and into the morning. It is often hard to understand Andrea now, as she is so weak and her mouth is often dry. It was even harder to understand her when she talked in her sleep. I did catch snippets though: "The bed is at an angle"; "why am I getting oxygen through the ear"; "I want to go peacefully"; "You can't do that inside the box"...
I assume this went on all night because she was doing it at 11 when I went to bed and she was doing it when I woke at 4am.
This morning, finally, she is comfortable, but I did give her a small dose of methadone when she started complaining about pain in her chest. Prior to that I moved her onto her side for a half-hour or so and massaged her back and legs lightly. Over the course of the morning I got called into the room at least twenty times to fuss with her pillows, the oxygen tube, ice water, glasses, phone, her position, etc. I finally told her I was starting to feel sympathetic to Norman Bates (The son in "Psycho").
So Ms. A is doing okay as I write. The nurse will be here in a couple hours and
we'll---
Stop the press. I just got called back into the bedroom because Andrea wanted to learn the cookie recipe on the bathroom door. Hmmm. I guess the methadone is kicking in. Andrea also said she was feeling a little queasy, so I guess we'll be back on the
phenergan track.
=====================
4pm
Nurse Linda came and went, and Andrea is napping. Nausea is not an issue at the moment, and I didn't give her any phenergan. We went over meds and discussed Andrea's breathing difficulties, state of mind, condition, but I don't think we learned that much on those scores. We may change a few dosages or meds. I asked how much Trinity would do in a final week scenario. If, for instance, Andrea needed intravenous drugs would a nurse come by twice a day? Apparently not, but one would stay 8 hours or she would have round the clock care, if necessary. So that eased my mind a little. I don't think there will be a dramatic end, though. I suspect, rather, and hope, that she will be medicated to the point where she's comfortable and pass away quietly. I'm dreading the moment when I find her no longer breathing, but I also know it will be a moment of release and relief. Andrea asked Linda to have the social worker come by for a visit, so I'm sure similar thoughts are in her mind. At one point today she said she didn't want to go on. She may have said "I'm ready to stop". I can't remember the exact words now, but we discussed how she was feeling and the meaning was clear.
Deep breath...
We'll see how she's feeling later and I'll write if anything of note happens.
For some reason, Andrea has been talking a lot in the last 24 hours. Sometimes it made sense, as when she was talking to someone present, and sometimes it did not. But even when she was talking to someone, she could veer off course and start talking about non-sensical things. Last night she began talking, saying something every thirty seconds to a minute and it continued all night long and into the morning. It is often hard to understand Andrea now, as she is so weak and her mouth is often dry. It was even harder to understand her when she talked in her sleep. I did catch snippets though: "The bed is at an angle"; "why am I getting oxygen through the ear"; "I want to go peacefully"; "You can't do that inside the box"...
I assume this went on all night because she was doing it at 11 when I went to bed and she was doing it when I woke at 4am.
This morning, finally, she is comfortable, but I did give her a small dose of methadone when she started complaining about pain in her chest. Prior to that I moved her onto her side for a half-hour or so and massaged her back and legs lightly. Over the course of the morning I got called into the room at least twenty times to fuss with her pillows, the oxygen tube, ice water, glasses, phone, her position, etc. I finally told her I was starting to feel sympathetic to Norman Bates (The son in "Psycho").
So Ms. A is doing okay as I write. The nurse will be here in a couple hours and
we'll---
Stop the press. I just got called back into the bedroom because Andrea wanted to learn the cookie recipe on the bathroom door. Hmmm. I guess the methadone is kicking in. Andrea also said she was feeling a little queasy, so I guess we'll be back on the
phenergan track.
=====================
4pm
Nurse Linda came and went, and Andrea is napping. Nausea is not an issue at the moment, and I didn't give her any phenergan. We went over meds and discussed Andrea's breathing difficulties, state of mind, condition, but I don't think we learned that much on those scores. We may change a few dosages or meds. I asked how much Trinity would do in a final week scenario. If, for instance, Andrea needed intravenous drugs would a nurse come by twice a day? Apparently not, but one would stay 8 hours or she would have round the clock care, if necessary. So that eased my mind a little. I don't think there will be a dramatic end, though. I suspect, rather, and hope, that she will be medicated to the point where she's comfortable and pass away quietly. I'm dreading the moment when I find her no longer breathing, but I also know it will be a moment of release and relief. Andrea asked Linda to have the social worker come by for a visit, so I'm sure similar thoughts are in her mind. At one point today she said she didn't want to go on. She may have said "I'm ready to stop". I can't remember the exact words now, but we discussed how she was feeling and the meaning was clear.
Deep breath...
We'll see how she's feeling later and I'll write if anything of note happens.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Monday Morning Blues & Evening Update
Hello.
I think Andrea is in the midst of something similar to a bad trip this morning. She can barely talk, is not lucid and seems almost frightened at times. We called off one visit scheduled for today and may have to cancel other visits unless she improves. I'm hoping that will happen as the drugs in her system wear off.
I moved Andrea to a wheelchair this morning and hoped that she could sit outside for a while, but that did not happen. She just wanted to go back to bed.
Sorry to have to share such bleak news. Here's hoping for some better news later today. Whatever happens, I will share with you.
s
============Evening Update==============
I gave Andrea 1/4 of an Ativan tablet around 11:30am, thinking she'd be better after a couple hours sleep. I didn't give her the usual second dose of ritalin around noon or 1, or even methadone. She has slept most of the time since then, waking, or semi-waking for a brief period, then falling back asleep. We talked a little bit when she was mostly awake. She said she felt like a big blob and only her lungs moved. She also said she didn't feel like she had to go on living. I told her she didn't have to live for anyone else and that her feelings were totally understandable under the circumstances, but let's reassess tomorrow. I promised her we'd cut back on all the drugs so that she could have a better sense of what was happening with her body. A final note, I took Andrea off oxygen for a few minutes while I was moving her, but she did not do well. So. We shall see what tomorrow brings.
Good Night
I think Andrea is in the midst of something similar to a bad trip this morning. She can barely talk, is not lucid and seems almost frightened at times. We called off one visit scheduled for today and may have to cancel other visits unless she improves. I'm hoping that will happen as the drugs in her system wear off.
I moved Andrea to a wheelchair this morning and hoped that she could sit outside for a while, but that did not happen. She just wanted to go back to bed.
Sorry to have to share such bleak news. Here's hoping for some better news later today. Whatever happens, I will share with you.
s
============Evening Update==============
I gave Andrea 1/4 of an Ativan tablet around 11:30am, thinking she'd be better after a couple hours sleep. I didn't give her the usual second dose of ritalin around noon or 1, or even methadone. She has slept most of the time since then, waking, or semi-waking for a brief period, then falling back asleep. We talked a little bit when she was mostly awake. She said she felt like a big blob and only her lungs moved. She also said she didn't feel like she had to go on living. I told her she didn't have to live for anyone else and that her feelings were totally understandable under the circumstances, but let's reassess tomorrow. I promised her we'd cut back on all the drugs so that she could have a better sense of what was happening with her body. A final note, I took Andrea off oxygen for a few minutes while I was moving her, but she did not do well. So. We shall see what tomorrow brings.
Good Night
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Sunday ( and it's almost church quiet )
Hello, Again.
It has been a very quiet Sunday and I'm not quite sure what to make of that. Harriet and Meredith came by for a while, and Sara and Jesse said "Hello" when dropping off Cole for a playdate with Jack, but Andrea didn't talk much today. She said she was happy just to listen to the conversation. So there were a couple periods when Andrea was alone in the bedroom for an hour or two, but she neither turned on the television nor read. She said she was content just to be alone with her thoughts. This from the woman who couldn't be alone in her car for five minutes without phoning me or someone else.
We know Andrea is getting physically weaker. She has to steel herself before I move her, then rest afterwards. She'll put off a simple turn onto her side for an hour or so because she's "not ready". On the plus side she's comfortable, and without pain or nausea. I would have given a lot for that little more than a week ago, so may it continue.
Good Night
It has been a very quiet Sunday and I'm not quite sure what to make of that. Harriet and Meredith came by for a while, and Sara and Jesse said "Hello" when dropping off Cole for a playdate with Jack, but Andrea didn't talk much today. She said she was happy just to listen to the conversation. So there were a couple periods when Andrea was alone in the bedroom for an hour or two, but she neither turned on the television nor read. She said she was content just to be alone with her thoughts. This from the woman who couldn't be alone in her car for five minutes without phoning me or someone else.
We know Andrea is getting physically weaker. She has to steel herself before I move her, then rest afterwards. She'll put off a simple turn onto her side for an hour or so because she's "not ready". On the plus side she's comfortable, and without pain or nausea. I would have given a lot for that little more than a week ago, so may it continue.
Good Night
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Saturday Night's Alright
We seem to be on a roll now, quiet days and quiet ways. Andrea slept most of the morning and passed the afternoon quietly watching television with Steph or Lynne.
There's not much more to report. I did a small job and showed my prowess (or lack thereof) with a chainsaw, cutting down a few small trees for a friend. I expect a quiet evening for the three of us. I'll probably fall asleep any moment and Jack
will continue his mad progress with the Indiana Jones Lego Adventure.
I think I'll make up some news later.
Best to all...
s
There's not much more to report. I did a small job and showed my prowess (or lack thereof) with a chainsaw, cutting down a few small trees for a friend. I expect a quiet evening for the three of us. I'll probably fall asleep any moment and Jack
will continue his mad progress with the Indiana Jones Lego Adventure.
I think I'll make up some news later.
Best to all...
s
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